Friday, March 18, 2011

Trying not to care


Maybe it's too soon to be posting this kind of post, and mabye I'll delete it later...but it's my blog and blogs are for pouring your heart out, right? So I'm using my first post of the year to post the most depressing and miserable news I can think of because I think I'll feel better when I'm done. This is my space, and if you don't like to hear unhappy things then please just don't read it. This is my cleansing and getting it out of my system.

We were pregnant again :) Not planned but we were very excited at the prospect of bringing yet another adorably insanely smart baby into the world. I won't go into long details, because it's my blog and I don't have to. Long story short my pregnancy hormone HCG whatever levels aren't doing what they're supposed to. On Wednesday they were 184 and today they are 178. They're supposed to double..not go down. Going down means bye bye baby.

Hubbie left town before I got the results so I'm having to process this in my own way. Somehow sitting in a bubble bath crying my eyes out didn't make me feel any better so I dried off, admired how adorable I look with a puffy face and those swollen crying lips, and sat down to blog.

There are people that will say that a pregnancy after only a couple weeks isn't a real pregnancy. Those people are entitled to their opinion. I was pregnant. We started to think about how awesome it would be to have another baby. We tried to figure out what vehicle could possible transport our family if we had yet another child. Do we get an economy van? A limo? A short bus? What do people do when they have that many children??

I was commended for being of "sound mind" today by a nurse after having my blood drawn for my postive attitude regarding all of this. That was when I still had hope that this pregnancy would be a viable one. If that nurse had seen what a blubbering idiot I was this evening she might have retracted that statement.

Did I want another baby? Hell no!
Did I want another baby? Ok...hell yeah. But now there will be no more babies, and I have a new respect for any woman who has gone through a loss. What you don't realize when you're accepting the fact that you might be losing your baby is that it doesn't end when you get the results of your blood work back saying you're about to have a miscarriage. The baby doesn't instantly dissapear. I have no idea how long this whole process is going to take. In the meantime I still have kids to take care of, classes to attend, papers to write, and other family issues and drama to deal with.

So I'm going to keep my strong face on, and get all my crying out this weekend. But this post will remain so that people will know I'm not a totally unfeeling person and yes this is killing me right now and yes I am dealing with it alone and I thank God for rum and girl scout cookies and video games because they're a great distraction until you find yourself roaming around in World of Warcraft and you have no clue where you're supposed to go next :) I will get through this, as I have gotten through all the other crappy stuff in my life. I was hoping this was something I would never have to deal with, but it just seems that this is the trend in my life. Anything bad that can happen will...even when you try to avoid it.